Note To Self:

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Next time you stop by the liquor store after work to buy two shooters of cheap vodka, don’t pretend you won’t finish them both by the time you get home.  A little vodka-cran cocktail on the train is nice, but Come On.  You’re a big girl and it’s time to put on your big girl panties.  Just buy four or five shooters and take the rest home.  Better yet, buy a freaking flask.  Because you know that as soon as you walk in the door to the coop that you will wish you had more.  And it is really hard to explain a midnight walk to the liquor store.  Glad we had this talk.

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Oh Good! It’s My Third Post And I Already Sound Like An Alcoholic.

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Have I mentioned Papa Rooster’s affinity for beer?  The garage fridge is regularly stocked with a variety of microbrews, and because I worry about his liver health, I diligently help to reduce the stock.  One of the biggest challenges of living in the coop is hiding all of those damned beer bottles.  Not that I’m a boozer or anything (hah!) but when you’re unemployed and bored out of your mind, a nice cold beer can seem like the perfect remedy.  So what if it’s ten in the morning?

Because I’m practically a spy, I am extremely adept at concealing my beer consumption.  Just call me Nancy Brew.  Here are a few of the tactics I have employed:

Beer in the Shower:

Now this is just fun no matter where you live.  Is there any better feeling than the chill of an ice cold beer in your hand contrasted with the steaming hot water pouring over your back?  I don’t think so.  And while Mother Hen’s reach is far and wide, it has not yet extended to the bathroom.  Ahhh, my beige tiled safe haven.  Twenty minutes in that chamber of privacy and I emerge fresh, clean, and slightly buzzed.  Everyone wins!  Of course, then I face the following choice: do I walk out of the bathroom with an empty beer bottle in my hand and claim I just found it in there?  Or do I throw it away in the bathroom waste receptacle and hope that nobody else ever opens that trash can again?  The correct answer is option C: hide the beer bottle in my bathroom drawer (yes, I have my own designated drawer.  So does The Cock.  And his two year old nephew.  It’s like having cubbies in kindergarten, only less colorful and fun.)  Then, carefully place the dental floss in front of the bottle, thereby TOTALLY concealing it.  That’s called stealth, kids.

What beer?  All I see is dental floss.

What beer? All I see is dental floss

Beer in the Bedroom:

While the shower beer is all about stealth, the bedroom beer is all about speed.  This is the beer you pound right before you take the dog for a walk, since the big beer belches are sure to follow soon after the chugging is complete. Yesterday, as I was rushing to guzzle my sweet barley nectar while also grabbing my purse and putting on my earrings, my beer suddenly rebelled.  The foamy head bubbled up and over the top of the bottle, dripping all over the floor.  Have I mentioned that the carpets in the coop are all white?  You know, to help you see where you spilled, or something like that.  So there I was, trying to get my shit and get out of the coop while also trying to finish my beer while also blotting up beer spots with a beach towel and I found myself wondering if the mild buzz was actually worth all that trouble.  I decided it was.

Beer in the Coffee Cup:

Clever but labor intensive, this is a tactic that many an alcoholic office worker knows and loves.  I say labor intensive because if you have a coffee cup in your hand, people will usually wonder where the coffee is.  I hate wasting a pot of coffee, but sometimes you have to brew one up to justify using the cup.  I recommend a travel mug for this method, as the lid prevents spills (white carpet!) and keeps that distinct beer smell contained.  Just remember to wash the mug out when you are done.  It’s difficult to explain a forgotten, moldy, beer-stinking travel mug.  Not that I’d know or anything.